Rob The Jewelry Store And Tell Them 'Make Me A Grill'

Don't touch the kicker's plant leg.
Don't talk to someone working on a no-hitter.
Don't take pictures while Tiger's in his back swing. (But do feel free to take them during his back slide.)

There are some things that are unacceptable. Had a buddy throw a fantastic barbecue the other day. The grub was superb, people excellent, and a general feeling of 'awesome' permeated the affair. Despite this, I realized that this event is fraught with opportunities to be either a hero or a goat. However, since they are previously unwritten, you can't really get mad about people making the following mistakes. To remedy this, I've decided to outline a couple of rules that every guy should follow in regards to a barbecue invite. This is by no means an all-inclusive list, but simply a primer, and most of these rules applies to when a guy invites another guy. I've come to realize that girls get passes on just about everything.

1. Bring meat. In particular, bring at least enough for you, and preferably something extra to share. Unless the event is being catered or a company junket, make sure to stop by the deli before you show up. Just because the host has decided to open his house and fire up his grill does not mean he should be buying every guest a steak or rack of ribs. Even if you know the man can afford it, be a man yourself and come bearing animal flesh. Listen, if Warren Buffett invited me to a barbecue at his house, I'm walking in with a steak and package of bratwurst.

Why the extra you ask? Simple. Have you ever been to a function and thought, 'Man this is great, but there is just too much barbecue meat.' Me neither. You can never have enough. And if there's some left over, the host keeps it. Anything opened becomes property of the host. If you showed up late and they never opened your bacon wrapped filets, you can take those home, but if even one of the four pack was opened, it's stealing to put those back in your car. Bringing food to the barbecue is like bringing a sexy personality to a date. No one complains about the extra and the host takes it home at the end of the night.

2. You're arrival time should be dictated by how much of a friend the host is to you. Barbecue's take some prep work. Especially if you're using charcoal. But even gas grills require scraping, moving, testing, and washing. Now, while the host doesn't need help, he certainly would appreciate at least some company while he's going about the prep work. If your a really close friend, show up on time. The less close you are, the later you show up. However, there needs to be a cap...

3.Don't show up an hour late to a barbecue. You do realize this is man's house, not a restaurant? He wants the party to go for a while too, but if people keep showing up later and later, that means he has to either A) keep near the grill to cook the food for Johnny Late-comer, or B ) feel bad about not grilling for Jimmy Rude-sauce. If you are physically unable to come within an hour, bring food that does not require grilling. Fried chicken is a good main dish, or feel free to bring in any dessert. Remember, the host wants to hang out with people too. He doesn't want to spend the whole day by the grill.

4. Bring no more than one more dude than girl you bring. Put this with the 'Too much meat' issue. Never has there been a party where people left because there was too many girls there. If you find yourself thinking that, do two things immediately: 1) slap the begeezus out of yourself, 2) call me with your location.

When a guy is having a barbecue he wants to have fun, eat well, hang out with friends, and meet new friends. You should also be thinking, maybe this a chance for him (as well as yourself) to meet new ladies. On the list of perfect situations to meet new girls, I don't know how one could exclude barbecue. People are being fed and sheltered, so Maslov's lowest tier of needs is being satisfied. It's not crowded enabling conversations to easily and spontaneously start. And, everyone knows at least one other person, so everyone is socially comfortable. For those scoring at home: win-win-win-win.

This is why you as a guest should be aware of your impact on the gender balance. You may bring one additional guy friend without bringing a girl. However, if you want to bring two guy friends, you must get at least one other girl to come. You want to know what you hear all the time as people are leaving parties? 'There's too many dudes.' Be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem.

5. As a guy, make sure that the best grub goes to girls. Trust me when I say that first impressions go a long way. I've spent the past 10 years of my life refining the first impressions I give. Not kidding. And the results have been nothing short of astounding. I started out with a girl approval-to-girl meeting ratio of about 1/6 (meaning for every six girls I met, one left thinking, 'he's an ok guy'). That's horrible. Now, I'm up around 6/7 (can't get them all). And why you ask? Simple. I offer them the best. If I'm at a barbecue, I want some good steak as much as the next guy. However, I don't really care if it comes to me a little overcooked or undercooked. I'll eat anything from rare to well done (though a man ordering a steak well done causes an angel to lose its wings) and enjoy myself. My impressions on the host and guests are typically food independent. Girls, however, bring everything together. If they're eating something nasty that reflects poorly on the entire company. Don't let that happen. Give the girls the best stuff. If the girls are happy, everyone's happy. If they're not, no one is.

6. Don't offer to help grill. Unless you have a show on the Food Network about grilling, let the host handle the cooking. The host planned this activity. If he didn't think he could do it sufficiently, he wouldn't have set it up. And, if by chance, he does need help, he'll ask. Offering another man help grilling is like offering him help driving. Why don't you just ask him if he need help opening his jars? It's about the same.

Avoid these things guys. Everybody wins.

Word.

The Good Life, Let's Go On A Livin' Spree

Because it the first month of Baseball season and I was fretting over why my team is already 6 games back?
Because it was announced that '24' was ending and I wanted the world to go dark?
Because The Rise of Mickelson had started and I wasn't sure how to publicize it?
Because there was a shortage of 'fantasta-rifficness' in the world and my services were called upon?

Now, while the last one may be true, none of them are reason for the full month hiatus. Real reason- two weeks of prepping for midterms and finals coupled with leaving my laptop in my apartment when I went to back to the states. I decided to see if I could handle all of my daily internet based tasks solely via the iPod. And I can. It's fantastic. Now when I travel, instead of a laptop and huge charger cable, the iPod and it's tiny wall charger are sufficient. Very pleased.

Things that I'm also pleased about, my trip to NYC. Absolutely great. Big kudos to Mike for putting it all together. Saw the sights in a timely fashion, had a lot of great experiences, and was able to hang out with a lot of great people. An absolute blast, start to finish. No, seriously, from eyes open to eyes closed, non-stop laughing and enjoyment. Could not have gone better, and that even includes the forgoing of Bethpage. Well, maybe if the White Sox swept, instead of going 1-2, but asking for that would be unreasonable. And yes, I may have lost the end of my pinky finger due to frostbite at the Mets game, but it was worth it.

What stands out most of all, is the fun I had with the people who came. They were perfect. I came in knowing Mike better than he knows himself, a couple others by name, and some not at all, but I can say that I left with indelible memories regarding them all. (Wow, that came off a lot more touchy-feely than I wanted. I feel like I'm in a Single's Ward Fast and testimony meeting, praising my roommates. Yikes.) But honestly, much love to those eight who put up with me, and took me in as one of their own.

Also, a big thanks to Dan and his family for putting me up for a couple evenings in their lovely home. Couldn't have been treated better if I was in my own home. That's not hyperbole, either.

Couldn't have asked for more out of vacation.

Word.

I've Got Another Confession My Friend, I'm No Fool

I have a friend named Jake. For starters, I should tell you he is one of the best people I have ever met. How great is he? Glad you asked. We all know how much I like being who I am. I mean, I really like being me. Really, really like it. However, if given the opportunity to become him, I just might take it.

I bring him up, because of a phrase he often used to describe things. He often would refer to something as 'A poor man's...' to describe how one thing was similar but inferior to another. And lately, I feel like there have been many instances where this phrase should be implied so everybody knows where things stand. So over the past couple days, I've compiled of a list of these comparisons.

Ryan Howard is a poor man's Albert Pujols (despite being paid like a rich man's)
Leona Lewis is a poor man's hybrid of Alicia Keys and Colbie Callait (only british)
Citi Field is at once a poor man's Citizen Bank Park and a rich man's Nationals Stadium
New Yankee Stadium is a rich woman's and a poor man's Old Yankee Stadiumd (how else do you explain the addition every amenity possible, restaurants galore, a level of cleanliness reserved for museums, and the removal of all the nostlagia, ambiance, and lore)
A good-bye hug is a poor man's good-bye kiss
A Woody Allen at the Carnegie Deli is a rich man's any other meat sandwich (I so want one right now)
The Courtyard is most certainly a poor man's Ritz-Carlton (Have you seen those rooms? Why would you leave?)
Monument Park is a poor man's Cooperstown
Every other outfielder save Matt Kemp, is a poor man's Jason Heyward
The name you want to give your daughter is a poor man's "Ken Griffey Jr's Swing" (The name I want to give my first daughter. Think the future Mrs. will green light that? Me too.)
Halo is a poor man's Contra
The NBA and NHL playoffs are a poor man's World Cup
Cream puffs, while fantastic, are a poor man's cannoli
An eCard is a poor man's real card
Ending a blog with anything else is a poor man's "Word."

Word.