Don't touch the kicker's plant leg.
Don't talk to someone working on a no-hitter.
Don't take pictures while Tiger's in his back swing. (But do feel free to take them during his back slide.)
There are some things that are unacceptable. Had a buddy throw a fantastic barbecue the other day. The grub was superb, people excellent, and a general feeling of 'awesome' permeated the affair. Despite this, I realized that this event is fraught with opportunities to be either a hero or a goat. However, since they are previously unwritten, you can't really get mad about people making the following mistakes. To remedy this, I've decided to outline a couple of rules that every guy should follow in regards to a barbecue invite. This is by no means an all-inclusive list, but simply a primer, and most of these rules applies to when a guy invites another guy. I've come to realize that girls get passes on just about everything.
1. Bring meat. In particular, bring at least enough for you, and preferably something extra to share. Unless the event is being catered or a company junket, make sure to stop by the deli before you show up. Just because the host has decided to open his house and fire up his grill does not mean he should be buying every guest a steak or rack of ribs. Even if you know the man can afford it, be a man yourself and come bearing animal flesh. Listen, if Warren Buffett invited me to a barbecue at his house, I'm walking in with a steak and package of bratwurst.
Why the extra you ask? Simple. Have you ever been to a function and thought, 'Man this is great, but there is just too much barbecue meat.' Me neither. You can never have enough. And if there's some left over, the host keeps it. Anything opened becomes property of the host. If you showed up late and they never opened your bacon wrapped filets, you can take those home, but if even one of the four pack was opened, it's stealing to put those back in your car. Bringing food to the barbecue is like bringing a sexy personality to a date. No one complains about the extra and the host takes it home at the end of the night.
2. You're arrival time should be dictated by how much of a friend the host is to you. Barbecue's take some prep work. Especially if you're using charcoal. But even gas grills require scraping, moving, testing, and washing. Now, while the host doesn't need help, he certainly would appreciate at least some company while he's going about the prep work. If your a really close friend, show up on time. The less close you are, the later you show up. However, there needs to be a cap...
3.Don't show up an hour late to a barbecue. You do realize this is man's house, not a restaurant? He wants the party to go for a while too, but if people keep showing up later and later, that means he has to either A) keep near the grill to cook the food for Johnny Late-comer, or B ) feel bad about not grilling for Jimmy Rude-sauce. If you are physically unable to come within an hour, bring food that does not require grilling. Fried chicken is a good main dish, or feel free to bring in any dessert. Remember, the host wants to hang out with people too. He doesn't want to spend the whole day by the grill.
4. Bring no more than one more dude than girl you bring. Put this with the 'Too much meat' issue. Never has there been a party where people left because there was too many girls there. If you find yourself thinking that, do two things immediately: 1) slap the begeezus out of yourself, 2) call me with your location.
When a guy is having a barbecue he wants to have fun, eat well, hang out with friends, and meet new friends. You should also be thinking, maybe this a chance for him (as well as yourself) to meet new ladies. On the list of perfect situations to meet new girls, I don't know how one could exclude barbecue. People are being fed and sheltered, so Maslov's lowest tier of needs is being satisfied. It's not crowded enabling conversations to easily and spontaneously start. And, everyone knows at least one other person, so everyone is socially comfortable. For those scoring at home: win-win-win-win.
This is why you as a guest should be aware of your impact on the gender balance. You may bring one additional guy friend without bringing a girl. However, if you want to bring two guy friends, you must get at least one other girl to come. You want to know what you hear all the time as people are leaving parties? 'There's too many dudes.' Be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem.
5. As a guy, make sure that the best grub goes to girls. Trust me when I say that first impressions go a long way. I've spent the past 10 years of my life refining the first impressions I give. Not kidding. And the results have been nothing short of astounding. I started out with a girl approval-to-girl meeting ratio of about 1/6 (meaning for every six girls I met, one left thinking, 'he's an ok guy'). That's horrible. Now, I'm up around 6/7 (can't get them all). And why you ask? Simple. I offer them the best. If I'm at a barbecue, I want some good steak as much as the next guy. However, I don't really care if it comes to me a little overcooked or undercooked. I'll eat anything from rare to well done (though a man ordering a steak well done causes an angel to lose its wings) and enjoy myself. My impressions on the host and guests are typically food independent. Girls, however, bring everything together. If they're eating something nasty that reflects poorly on the entire company. Don't let that happen. Give the girls the best stuff. If the girls are happy, everyone's happy. If they're not, no one is.
6. Don't offer to help grill. Unless you have a show on the Food Network about grilling, let the host handle the cooking. The host planned this activity. If he didn't think he could do it sufficiently, he wouldn't have set it up. And, if by chance, he does need help, he'll ask. Offering another man help grilling is like offering him help driving. Why don't you just ask him if he need help opening his jars? It's about the same.
Avoid these things guys. Everybody wins.
Word.
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3 comments:
This is my favorite post yet.
Great post, Rick -- definitely thought-provoking. However, I do take issue with one point...shouldn't you be the one to grill the meat you bring? On the one hand, I understand that you don't want to crowd the grill (there's only so much surrounding space and surface area), but on the other hand, are you really going to make the host grill everyone's meat? He's opened up his house -- shouldn't that be enough? Plus, you know how you want your meat grilled, so why leave it up to somebody else? Just some thoughts.
You are a great writer. Good luck in med school. I know you're going to be the best doctor ever.
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