According To Me, You're Stupid, You're Useless

You should know, this will be long.

6 Things that irk me, for reasons that may seem stretched.

1. 'The Little Mermaid'

I don't know if I've gone over the evils of this movie in this space before, but I will tell you this, there is a 0 percent chance I'm allowing this movie into my home. 0. And if I have daughters, it drops to -25. That's right. I might actively ask other parents not to show this movie to them. I don't want them seeing it. It can only bring bad things.

Let's recap the plot line just so you understand my extreme viewpoint.
We start off with a happy family. The girls are all loved, cherished, protected and provided for by their father, who does all this while being King of the oceans. He even allows Ariel to indulge in a hobby of collecting foreign things, things he knows may be problematic. However, not wanting to intrude on her independence or impede her own maturation, he permits it. Fast forward to P-day (P for petulant), and Ariel gets an idea that she wants to go on land. She asks her father for permission, and he wisely instructs her that it would be a bad idea. And I agree. A 16 year old girl (I'm ball-parking and might be a little high), leaving home for a completely foreign land sounds more than risky.

Here's why I hate this movie. Instead of going back and thinking about why her father could have disagreed with her, she runs to the local drug dealer to get what she thinks is right. She has her frolic up on land, falls in love, and then it all starts hitting the fan when the drug dealer demands payment. And who rescues her from what can easily be analogous to jail? That's right. Her dad co-signs, sacrificing everything like a good dad does to protect his daughter.
But it's not over. Now the inmates run the prison with Ursula becoming the ruler of the seas.
Again, Ariel does clean up her own messes. Eric, the loving boyfriend, pulls off herculean efforts to set the world back in order.

And Ariel does nothing during this entire sequence. I repeat. Nothing.
And then her dad gives her what she wanted in the first place. Like nothing happened. No punishment, no conversation, nothing. Just a point of the triton and voila. Happy smiles and a lovely boat wedding.

I don't want my girls growing up thinking that:

• It's ok to disobey their parents
• If you can't get something through normal channels, go to the black market
• Every whim should be followed blindly
• They won't need to fix their problems because that's what their dad or husband is for
• No matter what happens, they will get what they want, and everything will be fine
  

So yeah. 0 percent.

2. Golf, swimming, and other things falsely called sports

If you don't have objective scoring, physicality and can not directly alter the other person's ability to succeed, you're not a sport. Sorry. If you take out objective scoring, you have performances. Remove physicality, you're playing a game. And if you can't physically impact the other person's efforts, then your just practicing with other people at the same time. I need all three for me to consider it a sport. I do love golf, but to say it's a sport is an embarrassment to real sports.

For those scoring at home, here is a starter list of sports: Football, soccer, basketball, baseball, water polo, cricket, rugby, tennis, hockey, and long distance running (because you can leave your lane and therefore, impede another runner's efforts).

The two that are so close, but I have to leave off: Boxing (if it was fight till someone gets knocked out, it would get it, but since it can go to judges, have to keep it out), and MMA (same reason).

Not sports: Swimming, short distance running, field events, gymnastics, skiing, golf, horse racing (although it would qualify as a sport for the horse), bowling and billiards.

3. Pencils

We have the pen. We even made erasable pens for those people who can't handle making a single line through an item. Why are we still using these things? Besides the texture, the noise it makes when the graphite scrapes loose...just gets to me. No thanks.

4. Door handles that only operate by being pushed down

This one gets to me because I like to hang things off the doorknob. If the handle only opens down, when I open the door, everything I hung on it slides onto the floor. No good. Because of this habit, I always try the up direction on door handles first. I find it disappointing when it doesn't work.


5. The importance placed on regular season basketball (college and NBA)

This one climbed onto the list after hearing about the possible move from 65 teams in the NCAA tournament to 96. If more than half of the teams are making the playoffs, that means you'll be accepting teams, on average, with losing records. As far as I'm concerned, no team should ever be allowed into any playoff system with a losing record. Isn't the point of a regular season to weed out the teams that wouldn't, and shouldn't, have a chance at winning a championship? Yes I realize that the cream will always rise to the top, but allowing teams who lost more than they won just seems ridiculous.

6. Literally

Easily, my pick for one of the most unnecessarily over-used, and improperly-used word. People are using it now to add emphasis, instead of to refer to things that actually occurred. You didn't literally crap your pants. You didn't literally die laughing. You didn't literally eat everything in the fridge. It didn't happen. Alternatively, I would find it awesome if people started using figuratively. I figuratively wanted to punch him. I figuratively went crazy. It's like a cool breeze on a summer day.

Not to end it on a down note,

6 Things that make me pleased, for reasons that may seem stretched.

1. 'Airborne'

If you haven't seen this movie, you haven't lived. Mitchell 'The Goose' Goosen, is the epitome of early 90s cool. He surfs, rollerblades, and even plays hockey like a champ. All the while, his hair is flowin', his lingo is stylin', and his shades are never out of reach. I feel like this movie is akin to 'Better Off Dead', where it's hilarious in part because it's a complete period piece, but also because they had just enough decent scenes to make it rewatchable.

2. Aggro Crag

If you're wondering if I spent about an hour scouring the web for a big piece of the glowing rock, you would be right. And if you know any past Nickelodeon Guts champion looking to part with their green chunk of the Crag, let me know. I'm more interested than Pauly D over a new hair gel.

3. Sawdust

Nothing not to like here. What pleases me the most, is know that if there's sawdust, it's because I made something. It's because I did something that can't be undone. It is the certificate to satisfy my high need for accomplishment.

And I like the smell.

4. Clocks

They simply fascinate me. Well, the full analog ones do. The digital ones aren't that complicated. A 5th grader can make a computer program that accurately simulates a clock. But the gears and the escapement wheel, now that is genius. Someday, I might try to build one. Odds on it working 5-2 against.

5. How far away campus is from my apartment

I live about a 6 minute walk from door to door from campus. It's the perfect distance if you ask me. Short enough that it's not a trek, but long enough that it gives me time to defrag the day's events as well as make plans for what I'm going to do once I reach whatever end point I'm going to. And, they tell me that walking is good for my health. Jury still out on that one.

6. Tootsie Rolls

No explanation needed. They're fantastic.

Word.